The Hidden Cost of Being High-Functioning
On the outside it looks like you’ve got it all together- you show up to your job, maintain relationships, meet your needs effectively. Others may think “damn, they’ve really got it all figured out”
But internally? There’s a different story being written. A story of constant pressure, self-doubt, masking or faking, and uncertainty. And it can seem like no one believes how hard things are for you. Because if you can do all the above things- surely one isn’t really struggling… right?
High functioning is often used to describe the experiences of those with Autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles or in substance use. It’s important to note that functioning labels used to be very common in the Autism community but are considered outdated and not a proper way to describe the full spectrum of Autism. High functioning is not a formal diagnosis but a descriptor being used to describe the experience of seeming like you have it together on the outside while being much more impacted internally.
So, if this experience sounds like you I first want to say I see you. Your inner world may feel dark, chaotic, and challenging at times. And somehow you are always keeping it together. That takes a huge toll on a person- physically and emotionally. There are various reasons why you may need to keep it together. It may be due to necessity, safety, or it may be all you really know. Regardless of the reason, your experiences are valid.
One challenge related to the high functioning struggle is the mismatch of experiences. You may be told by others how impressed they are with you or dependable you are. These things are great to hear but do not accurately reflect your inner experiences. It can start to feel like people do not understand or that nobody truly knows the full you. This can create feelings of confusion on who you truly are.
Another cost associated with this is your ability to access help. Because you are the one who has it together you may find yourself constantly helping others and being put last. Or, your experiences may not be fully believed or acknowledged. An individual who is high functioning is often not less in need of help, they just do a better job at minimizing their own needs.
This leads me to one of the largest costs- the toll it takes to hold it all together. The inner abilities- whether that be executive functioning, motivation, anxiety management, etc are often being exceeded in their abilities to keep up. As stated, this can take both a physical and emotional toll including:
Increased Fatigue
Disruptions to Sleep
Body Pain or Tension
Vulnerability to Burnout
Increased Anxiety
Decreased Immune Response
Identity/ Role Confusion or Stress
This is a non-exhaustive list and goes to show that the impact is real- even if you are constantly pushing yourself to have it all together.
So what do we do? This is often a learned experience and serves a function so when looking at addressing this, we want to do so in a way that is sustainable and gentle. Start by looking for small outlets to put down the mask: is there a loved one you can start to let in? A task that doesn’t need to get done by you? A place you can be the full you without judgement?
Give yourself permission and compassionately start to move away from the person who has it all together. Check in with yourself often and go at a pace that feels comfortable to you. As a reminder, your worth is not defined by your productivity so start to break free of those mantras we hear and tell ourselves.
Therapy can be a helpful tool to explore these patterns, develop a plan, and have a space dedicated to you- and one that you can put the mask down and it’s okay to not be okay. Learning how to break free of patterns that have gotten you this far in life can be challenging and therapy can be a space to do so safely, while honoring your experiences, upbringing, and cultural background that may play a role in where you are at today.
-Rebecca Powers, LCSW
